Would you like to know why I suddenly took up baking though I have no skill in the kitchen?

Two weekends ago, I’d actually decided how I was gonna do it:

I was going to starve myself. I figured it wouldn’t be that hard since often I would go days on just sunflower seeds and a glass or two of milk.

Like, I seriously was not going to let a single morsel of anything other than water pass my lips. I figured that by the end of the month, my body would have consumed itself and I genuinely wouldn’t have to care anymore.

Every fiber of my being wanted this to occur.

But the rational part of me knew what a bad idea this was.

That’s when I decided I’d bake a pizza, since I love pizza, so I’d probably eat it.

And now, I still have to force myself to eat every day.

I will tell people that I’m hungry/starving when I really have no desire to eat at all, simply because I know that I should.

I just can’t right now.

Everywhere I look, I see people who are happy and who have someone they love who loves them back and they’re totally on the same wavelength and perfect together and it just hurts me so fucking much.

Because it’s all my fault.

Because I’m stupid.

Because I took too long to make a move.

Because I had strong doubts and still tried to make it happen.

Because I pushed too hard.

Because I thought we were on the same page.

And I don’t know what happened.

Either you were mistaken or you changed your mind and pulled out at the last possible second.

Don’t you know the pull-out method doesn’t work? You still fucked me over.

But it’s my fault for pushing things when you “apparently” didn’t want it all along.

What you did was really fucking unfair.

He said you didn’t want to hurt me, so that’s why you waited to let me down and I know I have issues, but you using the excuse that I’m fucked up and need to get better just made everything 100 times worse, you know.

That felt like a lie.

You lied to me.

and then I see you being all happy with your friends and it KILLS ME because all I can think about is how I want to hold you and be with you ALL THE TIME and I just can’t and ugh

I have no one.

Everyone has someone they can turn to

You have fucking George

and I have, who, exactly?

It used to be you, but no longer

I have books. My computer. That’s pretty much it.

I can obsess over things and spend all my time with them, but they can never love me back.

I’d thought you did.

And you can’t

You can’t just rip someone’s heart out and smash it into pieces and stomp on them until they turn into a fine powder and snort it all up

You can’t do that and then turn around and say that you think they’re amazing and beautiful and everything someone could want

I just want that someone to be you

IT’S REALLY NOT FAIR

I really thought I’d found someone who was willing to put up with my ridiculousness and who wanted to be with me

But joke’s on me

I had to be the idiot who fell for a straight girl

Unrequited feelings suck.